Happy New Year! I initially wanted to talk about all my thoughts around starting a fresh decade, but a more pressing matter is at hand. I will get back to it, I promise.

After spending almost two full weeks at home, I have come to the conclusion that there is something very, very wrong with our house. I have never spent this much time at home before, at least not in this house. Contracting with no benefits or paid time off made sure of that.

I went out Christmas Eve day, and got my car inspected first thing last Monday morning. Then I went out briefly on Saturday to pick up some groceries. Other than that, I stayed in the house. I had imagined I would do some cleaning and organizing once I got bored of reading and playing WoW. Generally, I have a hard time staying still for very long. At the very least, I figured I would check the mail and do some laundry.

Instead, I don’t think I even got dressed, let alone went out and checked the mail! And laundry – forget it. I didn’t do it til I had to yesterday.

This is so not like me at all. I had zero motivation to do anything. Normally I get real ants-in-my-pants restless, can’t sit still.

But it gets worse.

About midway through last week, I started not feeling like myself. I didn’t feel happy, but I didn’t feel depressed. I was somewhere in-between. Kind of sad, but not really, but definitely not happy. Then I started to get real foggy-headed. Easily confused. I had a hard time connecting my thoughts to my words. And probably scariest of all – I started losing my cheerful optimism – the one thing that keeps me going when life gets tough. I even started feeling anxious for no reason. I had a knot in my stomach and I felt scared and fearful. I actually started thinking we would not get out of this place ever. We would die here in this house.

I went out briefly on Saturday to get some groceries, and came right back home. When I got home, I felt the same. In fact, the whole time I was out, I felt no different than when I was at home. But then, something strange happened. I started to perk up. I made some bbq ribs from scratch, totally made a mess of the kitchen, then I cleaned it all up. I did the dishes and I washed the floor. Then I ran some laundry, and watched some HGTV in complete bliss. I felt happy, uplifted, positive, and felt like “Hell yeah! We are so going to get out of here!” I felt like myself and it was wonderful!

That brief moment of euphoria lasted several hours, and then the ickiness returned, albeit not as strongly.

Poor Stefan never gets out of the house these days. He feels icky all the time. I thought it had to do with lack of social interaction (he comes alive around other people), but now I am not so sure. I think a lot of it has to do with the house. I have no explanation for it, though. The house makes us mentally ill. Go figure that one out! Nobody would ever believe me, but after having experienced it for myself, I truly believe this. Are we in some weird latitude/longitude energy gap, or some strange polarization? Is there a spirit of oppression haunting the place? Does it have anything to do with the power lines behind the house? Could it be mold? Some noxious gas we aren’t aware of? I have no idea what is causing it, but we have to get out of there. The horrible sad part is that due to the energy sickness, how do we get out? It literally saps your energy, your motivation right out of you. And then it invades your thoughts with feelings of doom. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy all on its own. It makes you feel hopeless and helpless, and then it makes sure you are hopeless and helpless.

This is not normal. I don’t expect anyone to believe me in a million, trillion years, but I know what I felt, and it was not typical of me at all.

The only way I have escaped so far is the fact that I am not in the house for 10 hours out of each day. If you get out for a while, you can get your energy and optimism back and you can fight back. But it’s the breaking free from the gloom that is hard. I am forced to leave the house and go to work.

It is vital I get Stefan out of there. But I don’t know how. We are dead stone broke. What do you do when you are broke? Where can you go? What can you do? When I was home, I only went out due to obligations. I did not voluntarily go out.  It seems the only way we can get out is to go someplace to fulfill a purpose.

Which leads me right to my next point. In November, my workplace created a job opening that would be perfect for Stefan. He applied for it, and then the HR rep went on vacation for a MONTH. Then we had the holidays hit. Now we’re all back, and I can barely breathe I am hoping so badly he gets this job. The thought of him not getting it makes my heart stop beating in my chest. Have you ever looked a dream straight in the eye? This job would be a dream come true for us on so many levels, I can hardly stand to think it might happen. I hardly dare to hope.

Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please PLEASE let him get this job!